In honour of the Lovely Ms. Russell. ( I call her lovely because I was always taught that birds (Thats women for the american inclined) liked to be called lovely.) I'd like to be called Pac-Man..But I guess this will be a blog of wishes granted by halves.
Here are some things that get too much praise/I just don't really like.
There will be no pictures for you either. I might be an office IT geek..But the only things I know how to do on a PC consistantly are download Nature films (Best eupemism alive right?) and spy on who is sending weird emails to each other...Oh and type absurdly quickly. I clocked like 90 words per minute this morning...Sweet right?
1. Having a smart boyfriend/girlfriend/Pet turtle.
I love genius. I feel the way about Genius Mix-A-Lot feels about women with large arses (thats "asses" for the american inclined...I see the american inclined getting annoyed by that..But you know me by now...I just couldn't care less.)
But the day a girl i'm dating appears substantially smarter than me, I'm dropping a "It's not me, It's you speech." See...When people are smarter than you (Substantially)..They can/will manipulate you. They'll probably deny it with a wicked fusion of their general hotness and genius anyway.
But yeah, I'm gonna throw conkers at the next girl who says "I wish my boyfriend was smart like you..." Because you don't really...And if that was the case, I Wouldn't be your ex-boyfriend.
2. People who don't do stuff to the Ruggedology standard.
Ruggedology is my religion/life philosophy. It basically revolves around the idea of Not caring about asthetics and having cool names for things.
For example...What the frig is the deal with people who say "I could care less." What does that mean? What do you mean YOU COULD care less...You either don't care or you're indifferent...Quit trying to be artsy ya Tewl (I brought out the scottish for that.) The expression is "I COULDN'T CARE LESS." as in...I so don't care to the point whereby any less care wouldn't be possible.
And girls who touch my stuff? (That's not a euphemism...You probably werern't thinking it was a euphemism until i said that..Hmm. STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!) Anyway, I don't touch your copies of Vogue or your Bong shaped like Jenifer Lopez (Yeah, I date real screw-ups) So what makes you think you can touch:
My guitars?(You touching my musical instruments is the equivalent of a man walking up to a woman and honking on her arse)...On a bad enough day, You could get knocked the **** out. (Oh, I'm bleeping my expletives...because: 1)It's supposed to be my news years resolution. 2) I like to read how witty I am when i'm at work. (Take that "Incoherent ramblings" aka "I swear so much that IT have websensed my page")
3. Girls who talk dirty in a really tacky way. - I'd prefer if my conquests (I don't consider women conquests but I've been waiting for 4 hours and 17 minutes to use that word..So i'm gonna anyway) didn't sound like a poorly dubbed 70's Porno. "I'm sooo hot for you".. Really? You are?. Here's me thinking you're in my ****hole of a flat because you hate me.
4. Being Unique - WTF does that even mean? The only thing unique about us as human is If..You, Me and your cousin Ernest were arrested, Our fingerprints wouldn't match. (I apologise to anyone with a Cousin named ernest...It's just one of those names).
I officially hate people with screen names like "I was born an original, So I won't die a fake" and "I was like this before it was cool".
Let me tell you some things about me that are classed as unique by froobs (A froob is a yogurt that comes in a tube. Coincidentally, Most people who have froobs in their lunches are froobs.)
1. I like to hum guitar riffs quite loudly and sing in a really corny way.
2. I laugh at my own jokes. I think i'm hilarious. Even if you don't think so, I Do. So eat a digestive. (Best biscuit ever)
3. I'm anti-bright clothes. Infact i'm so drab looking, I'm starting to understand why i'm single..(No one wore orange spandex leggings in the 80's ..That piece of faeces who sold you them lied to you..(Who takes any kind of advice from a grown man wearing lenseless glasses?)
4. I walk out in the middle of conversations i've grown bored of.
5. I like to make really low-brow jokes/popular culture references. I.e. If someone named Robin falls over, I'll say "You could say he needed Batman just then" and laugh maniacally.
None of those are original...Someone and their cousin Ernest does the exact same things and gets the exact same enjoyment out of them.
5. My greatest pet peeve right now.
PEOPLE FROM THE UNITED KINGDOM WHO THINK THEY'RE AMERICANS.
You are all very very very annoying. I hope you bite your tongue and then fall into a puddle that smells just bad enough for you to get ridiculed at your job/cult/general daytime actvity.
1. I'm from North West London...I live near a few landmarks...Namely Madame Tussauds. (Y'know the gob**** fest that has tewls from all over the globe getting the feelings over waxworks of Angelina Jolie.
No one uses the words "Shawty" or "Playa" here. There are no "Pigs" or "Po-Po" and no one "makes it rain".
You're a crime against human breeding for thinking otherwise. Quit watching MTV and embrace how brilliant you sound normally.
I like my london accent..It's amazing. It allows me to slip insults to tourists than punctuate my sentences with my trademark "..what?" and they're like "What?" and i'm like "I didn't say anything."
Now to quote my youngest brother (Cap the 3rd)...
You all need to "Move outta the way"..I'm off to watch the Matrix. Again...
Thanks for reading..