Wednesday, 11 March 2009

Why Cap Wins...

I was influenced by Anna...Who was influenced by Nikki...Who was influenced by.Well actually I don't know. But Im sure there was some influential malarkey going on there. Plus, I haven't got this tagging business down.

1. I'm the best hypocrite alive. - For example:

- iPhones are for tools. You're in most cases a terrible human being if you have one.

I have an iPhone. And it's fucking amazing. I can order random takeout with it and hear random Mr T soundbytes that aren't really relevant to anything. Plus, I recently got a girls number and got a map to her house in the same conversation. Can your phone do that? CAN IT?!

I have no qualms about setting rules that only I can break.

2. I amuse myself. A lot - I think stupid things are funny. Like the word "nipple" (You don't know how much i'm laughing as I type this. I think voice boxing the solo to stairway to heaven is sweet....So is going "You could say it was a bridge too far" when a really dry singer can't hit the notes in the bridge of a song. Fnah nyah nyah.

3. I'm a regular Renaissance Man. Seriously. - I don't care if that makes me sound sucked into my own anus. It's true.

How many people do you know who can do all of the following?

1. Play 5 Musical Instruments. As well as read and write music.
2. Beast at sports.
3. Be one of the best IN THE WORLD at a video game
4. Write well.
5. Draw well.
6. Drop knowledge like it can't be carried.
7. Put Academics on smash.
8. Make funnies.
9. Stay as cool as the Cheetos Cheetah. "THERE IS NO FUCKING DRUMMER BETTER THAN NEIL PEART" (Cookie for reference)
10. Pick up the womens with really stupid lines like "How do you feel about Cliches?"

4. I'm idolised by my brothers. - Do you know epic it is to hear "Watch when I get my brother to beat you up." It's like being told you're god... or "You'll be upgraded to Business class sir"

5. I have a young face. - Do you know how fucking sweet that is? I hear you think "You probably can't get into 18 cert films or buy porn". I have ID and a card that says, "I've done the following"

- Played face trade off solo's with the following: Buckethead, Dimebag, Hendrix, King, Guy and Morello.
- Saved the white rhino from extinction.
- Punched Jake Gyllenhaal, Clive Owen and Chris Tucker in the face.
- Beaten Neo at Table tennis.

Plus..Have you ever seen the face of someone with grey hair getting schooled by someone who looks young enough to be their grandson?

I apologise for not linking anyone...It's hard.

Thanks for reading.

Monday, 9 March 2009

Cap - Female Appreciation 102

Grossly misleading title. I stole it of my number 2 in command (

But I figured, Cap - Vagina defender would make me out to be the kinda guy who wears a pink neckerchief (is that a word?) and says things like "I love your hair"...Or a professional cock-blocker (I'm blogging about that some time)

So for those who've never heard me say anything positive about anything ... Here are some things that win about women.

1. Women are clean. - Who's ever heard "God my girlfriend needs to shave more and use more perfume?". Even the biggest tomboy is clean. Plus the sight of your socks and hoodies are too much for them to bare to the point where they will either fold away or wash them. Plus they smell nice. They smell like things my cojones won't let me smell in public. i.e. Flowers and fruits.

2. Women are impressed by things that dudes aren't impressed by. - My second youngest brother (Cap the 2nd.) played "Californication" to an american girl in our area. Hmm..If he played Californication amongst dudes...The response would be "...That song is piss easy. Go home yuppie" She took it as cause for "Awwww." I'm pretty sure he got a hug too.

3. Women are short. So a dude with the biggest napoelon complex is put at ease by the average woman. Bear in mind I'm 6ft 3 inches *strokes sideburns* so I don't have to worry about any of that malarkey (Write it down. Best word ever)

4. Women don't say what they mean. - So if like me, You like puzzles - Find yourself a woman. And have fun figuring her out.

5. A woman hot enough can eradicate all your wordly concerns for a minimum of 30 seconds.

I locked myself out of the Cap cave about 3 weeks ago and had to spend the whole day slunking around Westminster whilst my uncle brought me my keys. On my travels along oxford street, I saw a bird so ridiculously fine that I almost dribbled and consequently forgot about being a nomad. (Note I said almost)

6. Women tend to be dynamite cooks - If they're not dynamite cooks, They tend to be dynamite somewhere else. (Yeah, i'm talking about Chess, Gears Of War or Tic Tac Toe or all three perhaps. Does such a woman exist?!)

7. Women will fake interest in anything that means something to you. - I've never faked interest in anything a girl likes...(Fair play, I am somewhat of a tool.) but yeah....I dated a girl who hated Metal, Rock AND Jazz...But while we were dating, She grinned and smiled...hating it all the while. (I knew this of course. But top marks for effort.)

8. Women are exactly 90000 times less shallow than men. There I said it...Although I'm an exception as I see smart women (Regardless of appearance) the same way Mix-A-Lot sees women with great arses. - If you're artsy/hilarious/sincere/Good at poker/A bit of a tool, A good woman might just give you the time of day.

9. Women are DOPE muses. - You think Clapton wrote "Layla" about George Harrison? ****, He wrote it about Harrisons wife (That's game.) Be it musically, mathematically or lyrically..A good woman can set the wheels in a motion so fierce that it can only be stopped by their leaving.

10. Women have magical powers - No man can make two chicks tell embarassing stories about each other or celebrate with a shirt removal then double backflip during a football match.. Although I always issue a disclaimer to my fellow males when in the company of chicks - If anyone tries to clown me due to the presence of women, I will hit you with a Shaolin palm strike then smack you with a bamboo long staff.

So yeah. Womens FTW.

Thanks for reading.


Thursday, 5 March 2009

Now for some things that make me smile.

Or smirk. Yeah, Go with smirk. I like that word. "S-m-uh-r-k".

1. Music. - I know it's cliche and I know it's more general than saying "I like doing stuff". But seriously...Music has had my back from day one. And you know what makes that better? I own at the music too ^_^. I got kinda clowned on by a big wig at the office I work at...I went home and played "Under The Bridge" on my guitar, I felt at peace.. Cool right?

Right now, I'm HOOKED on this version of "My Favourite Things" by John Coltrane. So much so, I'm actually considering learning the saxamaphone. (No it isn't spelt "Saxaphone". It's spelt "SAXA-MA-PHONE". Plus, I'm sure i'd be able to pick up a lot more womens (That's right. "Womens") with the line "Hallo, I'm Cap and I play the Sax."

2. Laughs/Jokes/Jibes - As a good friend once stated so well "For a so called "Genius", You laugh at the most stupid **** I've ever come across"." Which is kinda true. For example, In an episode of Family Guy, Chris gets bullied by the new paper boy "Kyle". Kyle pushes chris over and begins to laugh. One of Kyle's friends points and says "HAHA! I have that shirt at home." I was rolling on the floor. Literally, That's all it takes.

I was on youtube the other day watching some kid's guitar lesson on "Dani California". Some guy commented "Nice mullet you ****ing redneck" I've offically never laughed so hard in my life.

3. Autumn/Winter - Yes summer lets you check out women a lot easier. Yes if you spend all your time in the Gym, You can wear a vest for 3 months.

But I just love winter...Seriously. Something about the cold air, and the way the wind whistles through the trees is really calming for me.

4. Knowledge - I don't read books...And I don't watch much TV, But i'm still obsessed with chasing knowledge, And I'm not really sure where I get it from. But It makes me happy..And when I eventually go back to University and get my weird looking hat, I'll be pleased my knowledge can be placed on a wall...Or thrown at people who doubt it. (I'm aware Academics aren't synonymous with Genius, Try not to rain on my parade).

Tuesday, 3 March 2009

Overrated? Crap in general?

In honour of the Lovely Ms. Russell. ( I call her lovely because I was always taught that birds (Thats women for the american inclined) liked to be called lovely.) I'd like to be called Pac-Man..But I guess this will be a blog of wishes granted by halves.

Here are some things that get too much praise/I just don't really like.

There will be no pictures for you either. I might be an office IT geek..But the only things I know how to do on a PC consistantly are download Nature films (Best eupemism alive right?) and spy on who is sending weird emails to each other...Oh and type absurdly quickly. I clocked like 90 words per minute this morning...Sweet right?

1. Having a smart boyfriend/girlfriend/Pet turtle.

I love genius. I feel the way about Genius Mix-A-Lot feels about women with large arses (thats "asses" for the american inclined...I see the american inclined getting annoyed by that..But you know me by now...I just couldn't care less.)

But the day a girl i'm dating appears substantially smarter than me, I'm dropping a "It's not me, It's you speech." See...When people are smarter than you (Substantially)..They can/will manipulate you. They'll probably deny it with a wicked fusion of their general hotness and genius anyway.

But yeah, I'm gonna throw conkers at the next girl who says "I wish my boyfriend was smart like you..." Because you don't really...And if that was the case, I Wouldn't be your ex-boyfriend.

2. People who don't do stuff to the Ruggedology standard.

Ruggedology is my religion/life philosophy. It basically revolves around the idea of Not caring about asthetics and having cool names for things.

For example...What the frig is the deal with people who say "I could care less." What does that mean? What do you mean YOU COULD care less...You either don't care or you're indifferent...Quit trying to be artsy ya Tewl (I brought out the scottish for that.) The expression is "I COULDN'T CARE LESS." as in...I so don't care to the point whereby any less care wouldn't be possible.

And girls who touch my stuff? (That's not a euphemism...You probably werern't thinking it was a euphemism until i said that..Hmm. STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!) Anyway, I don't touch your copies of Vogue or your Bong shaped like Jenifer Lopez (Yeah, I date real screw-ups) So what makes you think you can touch:

My guitars?(You touching my musical instruments is the equivalent of a man walking up to a woman and honking on her arse)...On a bad enough day, You could get knocked the **** out. (Oh, I'm bleeping my expletives...because: 1)It's supposed to be my news years resolution. 2) I like to read how witty I am when i'm at work. (Take that "Incoherent ramblings" aka "I swear so much that IT have websensed my page")

3. Girls who talk dirty in a really tacky way. - I'd prefer if my conquests (I don't consider women conquests but I've been waiting for 4 hours and 17 minutes to use that word..So i'm gonna anyway) didn't sound like a poorly dubbed 70's Porno. "I'm sooo hot for you".. Really? You are?. Here's me thinking you're in my ****hole of a flat because you hate me.

4. Being Unique - WTF does that even mean? The only thing unique about us as human is If..You, Me and your cousin Ernest were arrested, Our fingerprints wouldn't match. (I apologise to anyone with a Cousin named ernest...It's just one of those names).

I officially hate people with screen names like "I was born an original, So I won't die a fake" and "I was like this before it was cool".

Let me tell you some things about me that are classed as unique by froobs (A froob is a yogurt that comes in a tube. Coincidentally, Most people who have froobs in their lunches are froobs.)

1. I like to hum guitar riffs quite loudly and sing in a really corny way.
2. I laugh at my own jokes. I think i'm hilarious. Even if you don't think so, I Do. So eat a digestive. (Best biscuit ever)
3. I'm anti-bright clothes. Infact i'm so drab looking, I'm starting to understand why i'm single..(No one wore orange spandex leggings in the 80's ..That piece of faeces who sold you them lied to you..(Who takes any kind of advice from a grown man wearing lenseless glasses?)
4. I walk out in the middle of conversations i've grown bored of.
5. I like to make really low-brow jokes/popular culture references. I.e. If someone named Robin falls over, I'll say "You could say he needed Batman just then" and laugh maniacally.

None of those are original...Someone and their cousin Ernest does the exact same things and gets the exact same enjoyment out of them.

5. My greatest pet peeve right now.


You are all very very very annoying. I hope you bite your tongue and then fall into a puddle that smells just bad enough for you to get ridiculed at your job/cult/general daytime actvity.

1. I'm from North West London...I live near a few landmarks...Namely Madame Tussauds. (Y'know the gob**** fest that has tewls from all over the globe getting the feelings over waxworks of Angelina Jolie.

No one uses the words "Shawty" or "Playa" here. There are no "Pigs" or "Po-Po" and no one "makes it rain".

You're a crime against human breeding for thinking otherwise. Quit watching MTV and embrace how brilliant you sound normally.

I like my london accent..It's amazing. It allows me to slip insults to tourists than punctuate my sentences with my trademark "..what?" and they're like "What?" and i'm like "I didn't say anything."

Now to quote my youngest brother (Cap the 3rd)...

You all need to "Move outta the way"..I'm off to watch the Matrix. Again...

Thanks for reading..